So yesterday was a long day, and like any other adult that doesn’t have enough space or money for wine, I decided to buy some ice cream. maybe that way my sore feet from all the working won’t feel that horrible.
So, I go to the shop and buy myself a one serving tub. And I know you would say that any tub can be a one serving tub, but you know what I mean. I was excited because I usually don’t do stuff for myself, so I was totally thrilled to go home, put my PJ’s, get to my current favorite series on Netflix, and dig into that beautiful, gooey, chocolaty, caramelly goodness.
But one of the reasons that get me to buy the ice cream bit me on the side. I was sick, and my cocktail of pills and tea made go to dreamland sooner than expected.
And when I woke up I was like *dammit!*. I was so disappointed that I didn’t really enjoy the plan I had. But it was Sunday, so I knew I would have time.
But I didn’t realize I was gonna have such a great chance…
My parents were at work, and my sisters were off to their friend’s houses.
I was alone. At home.
Like every time this happens, I started dancing like a maniac, jumping around the house and enjoying the silence and peace that being alone represents. In my process celebration, I dab to my kitchen and I take my prize from its hidden cave on the depths of my freezer, I start to open it while I move my booty and get ready to enjoy, I turn around to look for a napkin.
And I stop. And I look at the mess in my kitchen… and I remember that I still had a paper to hand in. I put my ice cream back into the fridge, and I tell myself that as soon as that I hit send I would reward myself with the sweet pick.
Let’s just say I nailed that project. (Hopefully)
And I retake my dance towards the kitchen, lurking for my pray 😛
And I had it on my hands.
But I stopped again.
I couldn’t leave the kitchen in the way it was, because it bothered me deeply that those dishes would be waiting for me when I finished my ice cream, and I had to clean them before I could unwind in peace, so I put my ice cream back in the fridge again, and start cleaning.
And as I did so I wonder: why do I do that to myself? Is it just me, or this feels like I’m punishing myself? I mean, it has made me a better, more organized and task scratching person but, is this ok? is it ok to hammer my own head even when it’s time to relax?
I’ve wondered about this for quite some time, and I don’t seem to find a good answer (like many things in my life). And honestly, as I haven’t been able to get help or talk to a therapist, I decided I wasn’t gonna let that drive me crazy. All I want is to use that not-so-great thing to help me as much as possible to reach my goals and to have discipline, which is something I’m lacking on.
But I feel proud of myself for being able to do all these crazy things I’ve been doing this year, and nothing and no one will ruin that.