Anxiety

Today I don’t feel like myself.

Everything is relatively OK in my life. No major complications or problems, some of the always present things I have to deal with and solve, but there are plenty of things I want to get out of my way.

Worries.

I’m very worried. I’m also frustrated about a gazillion things. But I cant fix them right now, there’s nothing I can do at the moment.

But its always good to have a plan, that that’s where overthinking starts; ‘OK, I cant fix this problem now, but what can I do about it? How could I possibly fix it when the right time comes? What would be the best route? Which one is the healthiest approach?

But obviously, I cant find an answer.

I don’t want help, but I know I need it. And this country makes it so difficult to do things like reaching a specialist or being open about the way you feel.

Because if how you feel mentally is not absolutely perfect, then is wrong.

I want to get out of here, maybe changing scenarios is what I need. But doing so would either have to be through a horrible job or way too many more things to add to my list of worries. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

Everywhere I look, every choice that sounds feasible presents me sooner or later with a brick wall. I’ve tried everything!

  1. AuPair: They don’t want people from my country.
  2. Scholarships: they’re all horrible programs and even when I apply I don’t get an answer
  3. Contests: Awesome material but never an answer back
  4. Jobs: I never get contacted back
  5. Volunteering: I never find enough information to even start.
  6. Working Holidays: waaaaaay too expensive. There’s no way I can gather that amount of money
  7. Continue studying: That would imply owing my soul, or staying at my current jobs and kill myself with responsibilities.

Just to mention some.

All I want to do now is cry. But I cant because I have the real world behind my bedroom door waiting to start judging me and complaining about my non-existent problems.

Im wishing for a chance.

A chance to prove myself and what I can do. I don’t want connections, I don’t want undeserved privileges or advantages.

All I want is a chance.

I want to work harder than everyone else, I want to learn everything I don’t know and drain all my energy on the process of becoming the best version of myself.

But it seems pretty much impossible in this hell hole that I’m in.

I only wrote this to get it out of my brain, maybe it can stop bashing itself with my skull, and hopefully I would find another thing I can try to make this mess better soon….

Thanks for reading.

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